Today is the day where I feel very moody, & all those little things will make me upset or angry or irritated or yah, you got it.
Basically, everything that people do around me affects me. ): Don't know if you ever experienced before, but I always have this one day in maybe 3-4 months where everything just feels wrong to me. Or rather, it is like a low confidence level day. Imean real low. Like for example, I will feel very irritated & annoyed when my friends converse in malay & left me puzzled to what they are talking abt. Imean, it's a very small matter, & on my normal days I won't mind. But today is the day that I get real annoyed & irritated I just don't feel like talking much. & I will feel that they leave me out on purpose (even tho I know it's not the case) & I will feel upset. ): Like really upset. Normally I won't. But I dunno, today I felt like that.
I guess it all came from secondary school, especially secondary 2, where alot of backstabbing & ignoring occurs. & you know, it really hurt me badly. Cos my friends would someday decide that they are not happy with me & they will, as a whole gang, ignore me totally. Til this day, Im deeply hurt by their actions. You know, I don't even know what have I done wrong to make them ignore me. Like seriously, the feeling of it is like stabbing a knife into my heart & leave me bleeding slowly. That's how I felt. During secondary 2, this happens real lot of times. Can you imagine how hurt Im. & I always live in self-doubting & always worried whatever I say offend others. It's like, Im not being me, Im trying real hard to be someone Im not. & it suck.
Until today, it really still hurts badly. That explains why Im scared of being alone. The feeling of having no friends is very bad.
So every once in 3-4 months, I would have this day where everything feels wrong, everything that my friends do will make me doubt myself, thinking I have done something wrong to offend them & think that they are ignoring me. Today is that day.
Thursday, March 18, 2010, 8:43 PM